Secret Service Santa - An embedded teacher reports from the war on Christmas

There are 8 million stories in the naked city, and not very many of them are about the War on Christmas, but this one is. Los Angeles is like that. People tend to live day to day without thinking about the fact that they are on the front lines of a War On Christmas. Or that they're naked. But I do. I have to. It's my job. Who am I? MaryC. I'm a public school teacher.
(cue Dragnet music)

December 14. A perfect winter day in southern California. Only 11 days before
Christmas, and the good people of Los Angeles were going about their ordinary lives: in the downtown office buildings, disgruntled temps put cover sheets on TPS reports, at the Farmers Market, housewives dickered with greengrocers over the price of Bartlett pears, while in West Hollywood, apple-cheeked young women with a stars in their eyes and dreams in their hearts searched for someone cosign the financing for their breast enhancement. Pretty typical. But beneath the comforting rhythms of everyday life, this day was anything but typical and the students at my school knew it. We all knew it. We had a special visitor coming that day. A man many know as Santa Claus. Alias St. Nicholas. Alias Kris Kringle. No distinguishing marks or scars.

He was coming to deliver toys to the children of our "inner-city" school. A dangerous assignment, but he was ready, and so were our men in blue, khaki and suits. Yes, Santa Claus was coming to town, with a Secret Service escort. Tall, broad-shouldered men with sunglasses and radio earpieces, any one of which was ready to take a bullet for Santa. More importantly, they were ready to kill for Santa. So I warned my first graders against making any sudden movements or rushing to Santa to give him a hug, lest that roly-poly belly that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly was the last thing they ever saw.

9:30 am. We marched out to the playground. The students were happy and excited. I was tense and worried, and constantly scanned the crowd of children and adults. I'd been warned by battle-scarred veterans of the War on Primary Colored Napkins that we were under attack. Would one of these people try to stop Christmas from happening at a public school? Could the Secret Service agents hold off an assault of pro-Happy Holiday sentiments until Bill O'Reilly arrived with his bag full of horror?

Sirens began to sound in the distance, and an armored limousine came roaring onto the playground. Screams of delight rose from the crowd as Santa himself exited the vehicle, surrounded by a crack team of grim-faced security elves.

Carols were sung, and the Bomb Squad truck arrived with the presents. Yes, even Santa's presents had become potential weapons in this Yuletide Battle, but these gifts had been screened for explosives and deemed safe to hand out.

The students lined up and waited patiently for their turn. That's when HE showed up. The villain who's tried to steal Christmas EVERY YEAR since 1966. It was the Grinch. The kids noticed him right away, and screamed for the surrounding agents to DO something. But like George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden, the Feds apparently just weren't that concerned about the Grinch.

But our students eyed the green monster warily, shouting each time he crept closer to Santa. That's when we spotted it. The gun. The Grinch was strapped, and he'd come to waste Father Christmas (better known by his hip hop name, Malcolm Xmas). Suddenly, everything seemed to move in slow motion: The Grinch's paw going to his belt to retrieve the weapon. The children's shouts of terror, fingers pointing to the danger. The gun was out of the belt. It was aiming. But not at Santa! At the children! The fiend! Water sprayed forth in a deadly (well...a moist) fountain. Students ducked and covered! And that's when the agents reacted.

The Grinch was wrestled to the ground. Nightsticks disguised as candy canes where whipped out and used to bludgeon the monster. His hands were cuffed, and the children cheered as the verdant fiend was frog marched off the playground. I saw one agent rip open a package of glow sticks, and follow the entourage off to a waiting van. Someone was going to get some pretty interesting Holiday Photos in their Christmas card this year.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I lined my students up to return to our room. The class wrote their names on their presents and happily lined up for lunch. They didn't seem affected by their near extinction (or collateral drenching) at the hands of anti-Christmas insurgents from the ACLU and Media Matters. Or a Treasury agent who drew the short stick and had to wear the goofy green felt costume. But we survived. We had been on the front lines and lived to tell about it. I thought the danger was over. I was wrong.

A "runner" came to my classroom later that afternoon. She handed me a note which read: Don't forget! The Holiday Program is tomorrow! Be at the auditorium at 1:00!

Holiday Program. I smiled grimly at my class of brave 6 and 7 year olds. "All right, saddle up, you candyasses. Let's get back in the War!"

If you enjoyed this tongue in cheek look at "The War On Christmas", enjoy more political and pop cultural comedy at World O Crap [http://www.world-o-crap.com/blog]!

Mary Clevenger is a Los Angeles based writer. When she's not fighting in the "War on Christmas", she is writing the next great American Novel.

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The War on Christmas - Have a Happy Holiday

For various reasons, religious, economic, personal, some people just do not do Christmas - shock, horror, absolute blasphemy!!! Not that the naysayer can escape from Christmas, the concept and associated musical and visual baggage being shoved down their throats whether people want it or not from pretty much the last week in November (immediately post Thanksgiving in the US of A) through Christmas Day. That's roughly 1/12th of your year when all things Christmas, Christmas and more Christmas is pounded into you. Christmas probably gets more exposure or saturation coverage than a lead-up to a federal election. At least department stores, shopping malls and supermarkets don't broadcast political candidate's speeches while they're on their political hustings. No such respite do these retail establishments give you regarding Christmas. Music, displays, and zillions of ads suggesting this or that perfect gift is the order of the month, and of course all those retail store Santa's are just egging on the kiddies to pester their all and sundry family and friends with "I want, I want, I want, gimme, gimme, gimme" with produce from their store of course. Maybe that's why there's finally an anti-Christmas backlash underway - enough is now enough! It's called the "War on Christmas".

There's been a lot of huffing-and-puffing, especially in the US of A over a so-called "War on Christmas", summed up I guess by replacing "Merry Christmas" with "Happy Holidays" and other wise downplaying the religious and traditional significance of the, ho, ho, ho, Christmas. For example, no Nativity displays in public areas. Actually that might be working since this year (2012) the annual Nativity display in my local shopping centre has been conspicuous by its absence. I miss it not one bit since it has all the same degree of historical reality of Santa himself. [Actually, the day after I wrote that bit of wishful thinking it showed up - curses, foiled again.]

Personally, I'd be more than happy to have the entirety of Christmas and all of the associated baggage, mainly economic, tossed out the window, preferably a high-rise window. Since that's not going to happen, I'll settle for the downgrading. Of course the Christian Right Wing are spouting hellfire and brimstone over this trend, though that's really irrelevant since Christmas has bugger-all to do with Christianity or anything related to monotheism - more on that shortly.

For better or worse, most of the advanced countries in the world today, especially those in North America (United States & Canada), Europe, and the Pacific region (Australia, New Zealand) are no longer WASP (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) societies, but multicultural societies. That means, cultures that have significant populations that don't share the WASP culture, including WASP religions and holidays. "Merry Christmas" has little if any significance; "Happy Holidays" probably has more significance to a broader audience than just WASPs.

One example of personal note, I don't know about your neck of the woods, but where I live, it is near mandatory for supermarkets, department stores, shopping malls, etc. to pipe in and bombard customers with so-called Christmas music. Much of it is just Northern Hemisphere wintertime music like "Frosty the Snowman", "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let it Snow", and "Sleigh Ride" (vastly inappropriate in the Southern Hemisphere celebrating high summer where I am, but that's another issue); some have no religious significance like "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" or "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town". But you get the religiously themes songs too, like "The First Noel", "Silent Night" or "Hark the Herald Angels Sing". It's with the latter I take objection.

The question is, is it the place of supermarkets, etc. to seemingly endorse a particular brand of [monotheistic Christian] religion by playing these religiously themed Christmas Carols? It's perfectly legal of course, but is it ethical? I mean these stores don't pipe in music appropriate to the beliefs of Hindus or those of the Buddhist faith. In a multicultural society, I would strongly suggest that department stores, etc. stick to subjecting their customers to non-religious Christmas, or even better winter holiday, songs, and not ram down a specific monotheistic religious point of view to anyone within earshot. I mean this is not voluntarily attending a concert. People have to shop for necessities, like food. Should part of that experience be the involuntary scenario or experience of listening to music you'd rather not be subjected to? Opting to shop elsewhere probably results in no letup since nearly 100% of stores participate in the unrelenting bombardment. Apart from the unwilling shoppers, pity the poor staffers who have to put up with it for eight hours straight, day-in and day-out for the roughly month long duration. As one such staffer told me, they just tune out as best they can and sort of go into zombie mode for the duration.

The other issue is does Christmas really have any religious connection worthy of its salt at all? The answer is clearly no. You will not find, in any religious text, including the Bible (any version of the Bible in any language) the date, month, or even season when an alleged entity we call Jesus, was born. In short, if you celebrate the 25th of December as the birthday of Jesus, you have only a 1 in 365.25 chance of being correct. So, why was that date chosen?

Well once upon a time, in days of yore, when pagans ruled, it was usual for ancient and in the main rural societies dependent on farming to divide the year into twelve months of thirty days each. Of course that left a remainder of five days, which had to be used up or accounted for, or else the calendar would eventually get seriously out of sync. Now recall that all of this tradition started from and evolved in the Northern Hemisphere. Now what was THE most important thing to these agricultural communities? The Winter Solstice (the shortest daylight day of the year being 21 December) and confirmation that the day's daylight started getting longer immediately afterwards (the gods were therefore pleased) and that meant that although it might be a while, spring was returning, with that a promise of planting and another harvest and therefore food on the table. And so you used up that surplus five days in a post 21 December celebration that winter would eventually wan and good times would return.

Enter Christianity and their hatred for all things pagan and polytheistic. The easiest way to deal with this annual pagan festive season was not to fight city hall but to assimilate it and use it for their own purposes. Easy, just give the masses another reason to celebrate roughly five days post Winter Solstice - the birth of Jesus was a convenient substitute since no one could prove any different. And slowly but surely as Christianity replaced paganism and rural communities morphed more into urban societies and one realised that lengthening daylight was the norm of nature and not subject to the whim of the gods, well, there you have it, the evolution of Christmas. But Christmas is celebrated under false pretences. It was equally false when the reason was the whim of the god's bestowed favour and promised another spring, but then those ancient rural farmers didn't know any better. We know better for both reasons - Mother Nature rules the hours of daylight and the odds are overwhelming that the birth of Jesus didn't take place when the Christian Church says it did. But please don't take my word for it, just ask your local religious clergy or priest or whoever to prove that Christmas Day has any Christian religious significance; they can't, and it doesn't.

Let's be brutally honest about Christmas. It has nothing to do with monotheism, Christianity or Jesus, and everything to do with consumerism and the economy. All the month long hype, all the ads, all the displays, all the music, all the Santa's, all the ho, ho, ho you receive, etc. are designed to get you, as one staffer put it to me, in the proper Christmas mood, which, basically means psychologically getting you to loosening the purse strings and maxing out your credit cards in keeping with all that Christmas spirit, and spirits. Fortunately, more and more people are waking up to this annual manipulation and perhaps are coming around to the point of view that they would just rather have a non-religious "Happy Holiday" without being made to feel guilty that they aren't having a "Merry Christmas" a concept shoved down your throat by society at large.

Conclusion: Christmas is as phoney as a $7 bill and therefore the "War on Christmas" is not only just and logical, but way, way, way overdue.

Happy holidays all!

Science librarian; retired.

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The War on Christmas: It's Real

Ask anyone if the "mob" exists, and they'll tell you: of course it does. Anybody, that is, except a member, who will staunchly declare that there's no such thing as the Mafia or Cosa Nostra.

It's much the same with the War on Christmas. Liberal secularists (who are in the vast majority of positions of power in the media in the United States) never tire denying that the War on Christmas is a figment of right wingers' imaginations.

Gawker Media, for example, writes that "atheists and liberals have been trying to destroy Christmas and Jesus for many years, according to the profitable misinformation-exploitation industry." Americans United for Separation of Church and State mocks the "Christmas cranks" at the American Family Association for their "annual whine-fest over seasonal greetings." And so on. What they're trying to do, of course, is invert the truth: make it seem as though anyone who complains about the War on Christmas is the real villain for trying to take away non-Christians' right not to celebrate Christmas.

Anyone who hasn't been living under a rock for the last 40 years cannot help but see that the War on Christmas is an ongoing phenomenon. Company Christmas parties have all but disappeared and have been replaced by "holiday" parties. While private individuals still sometimes send Christmas cards and give Christmas gifts, just about everything Christmas in the public sphere has been replaced by something "holiday" or perhaps "winter." If you're under 35, you've probably learned to take this for granted. If so, just ask your parents or grandparents. They'll tell you that before 1970 or so, it was rare for anyone to throw a "holiday party" or give a "holiday gift."

When you think about it, "holiday" celebrations are absurd. After all, Independence Day, Columbus Day, and "Sweetest Day" can also be considered "holidays" and have a very different meaning than Christmas-if any. If a day is to be anything more than an opportunity to get off work, it has to have its own special meaning. A generic "holiday" is no holiday at all.

Clearly, then, there is no value to celebrating "the holidays" other than suppressing Christmas. Some claim that doing so somehow honors those who aren't Christian, or for other reasons don't wish to celebrate Christmas. But one rarely finds Muslims, Jews, Baha'is, or others attacking Christmas. Instead, it's corporations, government entities, and the media who seem most intent on ferreting out, and getting rid of, anything that smacks of Christmas. When one considers this, one might conclude that the War on Christmas isn't a religious war, but a cultural one; and that it's being waged not by non-Christians who want to suppress religion, but by powerful elites who want to transform our culture. And in this conclusion, one might be right.

Ed Garrison is Executive Director of the American Association of Future Retirees. He also contributes to the War on Christmas site.

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